“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” ~James Baldwin
Fear: What’s at your root?
“We may not have chosen the time, but the time has chosen us.” ~ Rep. John Robert Lewis
It goes down in the DM: Lending a more helpful hand
Question: I’m finding that a lot of people who are suffering with depression have people around them who don’t know how to support or encourage them. I’m sure there are stages each person in the relationship goes through, but it doesn’t seem family members know what to do, then resentment and anger set in. How can family members and friends be more helpful to the person who is dealing with depression?
Answer: No matter what type of mental illness a family member or friend is suffering with, the approach to helping should include:
Addressing denial - so many flounder, not getting the help that they need because the people close to them aren’t taking it seriously, or don’t want to accept that something may not be as they think it should be. It can be scary to face. It’s always best not to argue with someone about what they’re experiencing or enable self-diagnosing. Let the experts make the call, and believe in their training.
Talking and listening - set aside time to speak with the person you care about, ask them what they’re feeling, listen to their needs, and understand the role you can play in helping. Never push, but be direct, and always help them to feel safe and connected with appropriate services.
Educating themselves about the illness - books, videos, conversations, seminars, groups, and even attending therapy/med management sessions (if appropriate) are all beneficial in recognizing signs and symptoms and normalizing utilization of the mental health care system.
Joining support groups or linking up with people who are also supporting loved ones with similar challenges - because this type of nurturing will take an emotional toll on the helper as well, it’s important that they seek relief and respite. This help can be formal or informal.
Fostering hope and acceptance - life is not always about the hand we’re dealt, but how we play it. There is always a thread of hope, even in the darkest situations. Your love, support, understanding, and acceptance can be more life-changing that you’d imagine in the healing process.
I hate to wait!: The lesson of patience that COVID is teaching us all
We’re ALL sitting in limbo. It’s normal to want to control our calendars, our environments, our movements, and our lives. But COVID has forced us to change the way that we exist. It’s forced us to sit with ourselves like never before. It’s kept people home who found an escape through outside activities that are no longer available. It's magnified issues that some had never dealt with, that actually ‘didn’t go away’ when ignored.
Each of us has had a different response. Some are learning for the first time the meaning of the word, “No.” Others are at peace, preoccupied, building something new. Many are desperately anxious and unsettled, trying to make sense of the certainty of the uncertainty. And still, we are all dealing with grief and loss of some kind. Western society rarely touts the value in waiting. But one trait that we have the opportunity to master in this space is a life skill that is transferable in situations where we don’t have the answers.
Patience is a virtue. Patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. We don’t typically think of being patient as performing some type of action, but often equate this practice with agony. Being patient feels like a lot of mental WORK. Have you ever met anyone who said that they liked being patient? What are some things that you have been waiting to manifest for a long time? Thorin Klosowski (2016) reminds us that, “Patience is the foundation of nearly every good habit. Patience is also one of the hardest qualities to cultivate...patience is a factor in achieving long term goals as much as it is a factor in keeping your cool in the moment.”
We can’t always control the waiting period, but we can control our attitudes during that time. When we focus on our ‘response’ to waiting and not the ‘thing that we want right now’, we not only appreciate what’s happening in the moment (less stressed), but we’re also super-proud of ourselves for being mature enough to endure.
We learn some of our most valuable lessons in the times that we are waiting than any other times. How will you be #intentional about changing your perspective?
What to do when they’re not ready to talk…
“Sometimes we have to do the work even though we don't yet see a glimmer on the horizon that it's actually going to be possible.” ~ Angela Y. Davis
If you’re currently reading this newsletter, you already know that we can’t change what we refuse to confront. But you’ve also probably been reminded of the painful fact that you cannot change people or make them ‘see’ what you see until they are ready. So, this makes navigating political discussions (with family, friends, and acquaintances alike), peacefully, feel like an unattainable goal. Agreeing to disagree is not as easy a fix as it may have been in the past. With tensions higher, people are digging their feet in, doubling down, and ready to defend their beliefs as voraciously as they can. So, what do you do? Here are 3 tips for doing the work when the person you’re speaking with isn’t committed to finding common ground:
Know where you stand - but don’t feel intimidated because you don’t know everything. You won’t ever. Share what you believe, and why. Don’t feel compelled to argue what you know to be true, but direct the person to where they can find similar information if they’re truly interested in learning more.
Don’t take it personally - although your initial reaction might be to personalize their response, remember that this is not a ‘YOU’ issue. It’s a part of growth that hasn’t happened in the person you’re talking with. Everyone comes to their personal point of enlightenment at different points. Grace has to be extended.
Know your limits - just like with any disagreement, you have to know when these have taken an unproductive turn. This is when you need a time out. As much as you can, decide beforehand how far you’ll go, have a general idea of what you won’t tolerate, and know that you’re planting seeds that should give you hope for future growth.
