“Mistakes are a fact of life. It is the response to the error that counts.” Nikki Giovanni
There’s so much noise, confusion, suffering, guilt, shame, blame, shutting down, and blowing up going on. We are a judgmental society. But the irony in this is that we are also a society full of people who make mistakes, consistently. My cousin posted on facebook the other day, “I want to thank EVERYONE who knows what is best for Everybody! Miss me.” This may be your sentiment right now. It does seem like everybody is telling everybody how they should do everything. You may also be ‘feeling’ the effects of the words from the first sentence that describe our world right now. As you continue your journey through these truly daunting times, just remember that it’s not about being perfect. You will make mistakes. You will piss people off. People will make you angry, as well. But it’s how we get back up, course correct, forgive, show up, and respond that makes all the difference. Ignorance is bliss. But if you’re willing and able, this will be hard...and then it won’t.
Cultural Differences in self-conceptualization
“I am because we are, and since we are therefore I am.” ~Mbiti
If you’re wondering why people don’t seem as affected as you by what’s going on, aren’t suffering with vicarious traumatization and outrage fatigue, and seem to be carrying on with life as they’ve always known it, there may be a slight cultural variation that explains it. You probably are shaking your head and saying, “Nope, anyone who is human should know that this is bad, and they’re bad for not caring.” And if you’re truly experiencing the symptoms of secondary trauma - feelings of isolation, anxiety, dissociation, physical ailments, sleep disturbances, sense of confusion, and a greater sense of isolation from supporters than is seen with burnout - it will be hard for you to fathom how other ‘humans’ aren’t.
According to Belgrave and Allison (2010), Cultures can be categorized as collective, where people have an interdependent view of the self, or individualistic, where people hold an independent view of the self. Interdependent cultures include many from African, Asian, and Latin American countries. Independent cultures include the cultures of Europe and the United States. In interdependent cultures, the self is seen and linked within the surrounding social context, and the self is considered in relation to others. Relationships are important, and maintaining a connection to others means being constantly aware of others’ needs, desires, and goals. One considers the goal of others in order to meet one’s own goal. This means that one’s thinking and acting are influenced by the relevant others in one’s social context. Within individualistic cultures, emphasis is placed on the uniqueness of the self. If I am a member of an individualistic culture, my self-interest and well-being are more likely to direct my thoughts and actions than the well-being of or my relationship with others. In addition I will be less likely to care about the consequences of my actions for others. I will want to stand out as an individual and not be like other people. The assumption is that one’s beliefs and feelings about the self may be linked to one’s social group for those from interdependent cultures and less so for those from independent cultures.
Even though the institution of slavery did all that it could to break down the cultural interdependence of the Africans, much like structural racism has a starring role in breaking African American bonds today, the core beliefs and functions of a people cannot be erased. But the strength to remain united, against the backdrop of white supremacy and divisive strategies, is tested everyday.
So, if you’re an ally it probably means that you have either been taught empathy, have a personality that lends itself to being more compassionate, learned from life experiences, and adopted a worldview much different from many of the people who look like you. This is just one perspective. There are many many more.
Calling out: When the racist is someone you love
“Sometimes you gotta put aside what you feel for them, & pay attention to what their actions are saying they feel for you.” ~ Dr. Jaime Zuckerman
It’s easy to have heated debates on social media with people we’re not attached to. We can hide behind our screens, take time to carefully articulate our thoughts, and decide when we want to leave the conversation. But when we’re trying to nurture long-term relationships with family and friends who clearly don’t share our values, their indifference can lead to disappointing confrontations that can be alienating. When the racist is someone you love, the following may be worth a try:
Remember that responsibility has to come from within - trying to force it only makes others defensive.
Ask questions - listen, instead of telling loved ones how you feel and what you think, and gauge how committed they are to owning their beliefs.
Try the foot-in-the-door-technique - start with a topic that you can foster an emotional connection with, before moving to the more divisive ones.
Try to leave the conversation with the bridge attached - be firm in your stance, state the facts that you are aware of, plant the seed, so that they can follow after getting more information.
If someone you love is committed to invalidating you, then it may be time to set a firmer boundary for self-preservation. You have to decide what that looks like for you.
These situations are not black and white. There are many shades of gray. Treat each one individually.
Intentional self-care in times of crisis
“What covid and racism have in common: people don’t believe they exist if they haven’t affected them personally.” ~unknown
After we come in from battling racism with our masks on, we have to purposefully carve out time for restoration. In times like these, working within the confines of our environments looks like:
. Developing a self-care kit - that brings you joy and relaxation, made readily available.
. Scheduling a daily window of time - even if it’s only for 10 minutes.
. Getting fresh air, sunlight, exercise, and nourishment
. Holding space and grace for your feelings
. Deciding how you will consume media, and editing your intake ruthlessly
Ten toes down. Foot on the gas. Brake for rest. Stay awake. It’s intentional.
National Minority Mental Health Month
This month is about shedding light on mental health in underrepresented communities. The National Alliance of Mental Health (NAMI) is keenly aware of how our culture, beliefs, sexual identity, values, race and language all affect the way we perceive and experience mental health conditions. In the wake of a global and racial pandemic there's the potential for an increase in the number of people impacted by mental health conditions. Their goal, along with many other organizations is to stand beside everyone who is affected, provide resources, and let them know they are not alone. Let’s all keep shedding light on this issue.
