October

Trust and Vulnerability

Trust is feeling safe when vulnerable. In order to trust someone, we have to be vulnerable. This looks like believing someone will do what they say they will do, but also being open to the possibility that they may not. This is true for both romantic and platonic relationships. 

I wanted to know more about how people in real relationships were navigating this issue, so I took an informal survey of my IG community. I asked them: 

• Is trust a choice?

• Do you trust yourself?

• Is it possible to trust others if you don’t trust yourself?

• Is vulnerability a strength?

• Have you ever given a romantic partner another chance after they broke your trust?

• How did you know that you could learn to trust them again?

• What has to happen in ANY relationship before you can trust someone?

If you took the time to respond, thank you. Click here to see the responses. 

Seeing these real life answers is a great reminder that you’re NOT alone in the thoughts, feelings, and pain that you may have experienced. 

Broken trust can be healed, but it takes deep work. It’s a norm in our society to quickly dismiss,  judge, and walk away when trust is broken. But digging a little deeper, finding and identifying the root issues that caused the fissure, each party can do their part to help repair the relationship and increase the chances that  betrayal won’t surface again. 5 tools to help you heal your relationship are: 

1. Voicing your feelings, concerns, and questions consistently 

2. Allowing yourself to be open, gradually 

3. Ensuring that your actions speak louder than your words 

4. Practicing patience

5. Remembering forgiveness and empathy 

Trust does not come with guarantees. It’s a bet you take. Sometimes it’s worth it. 

Black Grief

Our ancestors have endured for centuries. And as we stand in the middle of a racial pandemic, nestled within a global pandemic, we continue to endure a disproportionate amount of oppression, trauma, loss, and more specifically Black grief. 

As Black people we don’t always have the luxury of knowing that death is coming...to even appreciate having the time to weave in and out of those stages, adjust, mourn, say goodbye and accept. Too often our death is sudden, without provocation or closure. 

We need to grieve.

We have a right to be angry and outraged. We’re being bombarded with more and more and more. We can’t stay in a state of fight or flight indefinitely. 

And that’s why we’re so tired...because our bodies and minds are always in a constant state of acute stress and rage. We’ve been dealing with loneliness, loss on so many levels, health, financial, and security issues. It’s hard to resolve one issue, before we’re burdened with the next. 

But how do you create space to grieve while being bombarded by one issue after another?:

• Allowing yourself time

• Avoiding being re-traumatized 

• Getting professional help 

• Engaging with and venting to your social circle 

• Figuring out what intentional balance looks like for you

• Finding hope, peace, and joy wherever you can 

• Asking white people and non-black people of color to move beyond their condolences and mobilize for action in every instance that they can

• However you want 

Grief is personal. Grief is necessary. We’ll talk more about what to do with the space you create for it. Your homework is to intentionally carve it out for right now. 

Coping with Uncertainty

Resilience is a person’s ability to cope despite life’s stresses. It’s the ability to bounce back from setbacks, thrive, grow and be effective in the face of adversity, challenges and change. Especially now, in times when the only certainty is uncertainty, we would be smart to think about how resilience has played a role in our lives. 

I’m sure that you can think of situations where you’ve quickly ‘bounced back’. But other times, you may have dealt with inordinate amounts of stress, and your automatic coping skills were pushed to their limits. 

Katie of resilientapp.com (2017) offers 5 ways to decompress after high levels of stress: 

1. Deep Breathing - Take a deep breath, hold it for 10 seconds, feel the tension flowing out of you, and repeat 3-10 times, as necessary. 

2. Take 5 - Take a walk outside. It’s a great way of letting out tension, letting in oxygen, and allowing for a re-focus. 

3. Exercise - because...well...endorphins. And exercise allows stress to get out of your system, while giving you quiet time to process. 

4. Take the day off - Take a true mental health day. Don’t be afraid to use some of your vacation or sick leave. The job will go on, and you will have time to calm down, course correct, and recharge. 

5. Disconnect - Take a break from your electronics and shut out the outside world, and lower your level of stress.

Our bodies are NOT machines, impervious to the challenges and stressors that life throws at us. We have to be intentional about knowing when to pull away, and having activities in place to help restore our equilibrium. What are some of the favorite tools in your ‘decompression toolbox’?

Cautious Optimism

 To be cautiously optimistic means to be hopeful about something, but recognize the problems involved. Some say it’s ‘hoping for the best’, but planning for the worst. It’s a common response for uncertain times.

According to William Ward, “The pessimist complains about the wind; The optimist expects it to change; The realist adjusts the sails.”

Reflective Sentence Completion: “I am adjusting my sails by________________________.”