March
Reflexive Empathy
It’s the ability to step into the shoes of another person, aiming to understand their feelings and perspectives, and to use that understanding to guide our actions.
We are primed for empathy by strong attachment relationships in the first two years of life.
But empathy doesn’t stop developing in childhood. We can nurture its growth throughout our lives—and we can use it as a radical force for social transformation.
Empathy isn’t sympathy or being an empath. But it produces sensitivity within us, allows us to work toward superordinate goals, and changes our lens through which we view marginalized groups.
We can cultivate more of it with the following 7 Habits [adapted from Roman Krznaric]:
Habit 1: Get to know people who are different from you
This requires more than having a brief chat about the weather. Try to understand the world inside the head of the other person. Set yourself the challenge of having a conversation with one stranger every week. All it requires is courage. Contact/mere exposure helps us put ourselves in the others' shoes.
Habit 2: Explore prejudices and discover commonalities
We all have assumptions about others that prevent us from appreciating their individuality. Challenge your own preconceptions and prejudices by searching for what you share with people rather than what makes you different...and develop an appreciation for both.
Habit 3: Walk a mile in another’s shoes
We can each conduct our own experiments. If you are religiously observant, try a “God Swap,” attending the services of faiths different from your own, including a meeting of Humanists. Or if you’re an atheist, try attending different churches. Take the path favored by philosopher John Dewey, who said, “All genuine education comes about through experience.”
Habit 4: Practice active listening and vulnerability
We must engage in the arts of radical listening and vulnerability. Our ability to be present with the unique feelings and needs a person is experiencing in that very moment, and removing our masks and revealing our feelings to someone is vital for creating a strong empathic bond. Empathy is a two-way street that, at its best, is built upon mutual understanding—an exchange of our most important beliefs and experiences.
Also...Amplify Other Voices - Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is step aside and create a space for those outside your group to speak.
Habit 5: Inspire social change
Beyond education, we can use social networking technology to harness the power of empathy and create action on a larger scale.
Habit 6: Develop an imagination
We also need to empathize with people whose beliefs we don’t share or who may be “enemies” in some way. Empathizing with adversaries is also a route to social tolerance.
This should be a time when we discover ourselves not simply through self-reflection, but by becoming interested in the lives of others. We need empathy to create a new kind of revolution. Not an old-fashioned revolution built on new laws, institutions, or policies, but a radical revolution in human relationships.
Habit 7: Be Honest with Yourself: Check your privilege.
The flip side of bias is privilege. Bias puts certain groups of people at a disadvantage in our society, while privilege puts other groups at an advantage.
Your privileges are things that give you special status and that you didn’t earn and don’t necessarily realize you benefit from. One example is when white people, unlike Black people, don’t worry about police violence during a routine traffic stop. Another is when someone raised with enough money has never thought about whether they can afford to eat.
We all have different intersecting identities, and some make us privileged while others do the opposite. Perhaps you are a white man and also LGBTQ. Or you are able-bodied and an immigrant.
Remember it's not about you - Remember that you don’t need to understand everything about someone to make them feel respected.
Which habit will you practice today?
“Nope, he would be the mayor.”
On a local radio station show where Women’s History Month was being observed, I heard the following story being shared:
“In a small town, a couple rode atop a float, waving to the members of the community, as the husband had won the bid for mayor. The wife smiled and as she looked into the crowd, and mid-wave her eyes connected with a man she used to date. In conversation with her husband later that night, she mentioned that she’d recognized an old flame earlier in the parade. Her husband remarked sarcastically, “Well, I know you’re glad that you didn’t marry him, because you’d be married to an auto mechanic.” She laughed and in amusement responded, “Nope, he would be the mayor.”
This account is not to disparage those who keep us safe and sane on the road, but a practical reminder that we don’t always appreciate our inherent power as women. We have the ability to:
See the potential in and nurture our partners into anything if they’re willing. - The same woman who shared this story on the show talked about the ‘foundation’ of any relationship, saying, “If our partner is the bricks, then we are the mortar...If treated well, nothing is too much to ask...we will give everything to support and help our loved one to thrive.” Of course the flip side is that we often hold out for hope [because we know that potential is in there] to a fault with people who don’t always appreciate our sacrifice.
Change the entire lives of those around us. - We are natural-born leaders, nurturers, and managers. Too often we give our power away, or allow it to be stripped by those with louder voices and coercive tactics. Sometimes we unconsciously become like them to fit in. But when we work within our set of strengths, using them for good, magical things can happen.
Bloom wherever we’re planted. - Just like the lotus flower [trite but true], we are equipped to rise above challenges with resilience. It’s simply a choice as to how we activate our resources. We are adept at making a way out of no way at all.
Challenge: Take some time to become more aware of and appreciate your ‘superpowers’...activate them…and carve out space to celebrate them!
“Are you for real?”
If you consider yourself to be a believer in science, masks, and COVID, then you’ve certainly uttered this question in the recent past. But you’ve also realized that not everyone you know and love is on the same page. Each individual and relationship are different, as are the dynamics of your discourse regarding democracy.
If you’re of different beliefs and attitudes, this divide is sure to conjure up a myriad of feelings. In fact, the truth is that talking politics can bring out the WORST in some of the people who we always considered to be the BEST. That’s probably why many of us grew up in homes where the ‘wise’ counsel was to avoid it’s discussion. They knew.
But in this climate of racial reckoning, no longer do we have the luxury of ignoring what our eyes, ears, and hearts have been opened to. And as James Baldwin said,
“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it’s faced.”
So what do you do when the people you love are behaving in ways that are unlovable...but ending the relationship is not a choice you’re ready to make?:
1. Don't take it personal - Even if they deflect to make you believe it is, remember that it’s not about you. Period. Your worth and value aren’t tied up in their inability to embrace facts, truth, and transformation. Allow their stuff to stay their stuff. Take breaks to sit, get quiet, and tease that out as often as you need to.
2. Address your own discomfort - What challenges are you dealing with during this leg of your anti-racist journey? How do you normally interact with these people? How are you changing? What is your motivation? What do you need for them to know about what you believe? What would you say if you weren’t afraid of rejection, confrontation, and risking everyone’s right to comfort? How can you practice finding your voice and communicating your truth, without need for affirmation and acceptance?
3. Remember WHO they are - Is this a person who typically takes risks? Enjoys being stubborn and disagreeable? Has a limited circle of friends who look like them, experiences that are narrow in scope, and is averse to self-development, awareness, and personal growth? Well, what made you think that the issues we’re grappling with publicly were going to change who they’ve always been? As one of our group members said. “The way people do one thing, is the way they do all the things.” Remember their good qualities, mourn the fact that they pale in comparison to the ones that appear to be bad, and keep your expectations realistic.
4. Accept your powerlessness - You can’t MAKE anyone do anything. But you CAN decide how much of your time you want to spend with someone whose beliefs don’t align with yours anymore. Pushing pause is not saying, “I’m done with you!” You can opt to leave the door ajar - while keeping your distance - until they’re ready to embrace basic humanity.
5. Get outside support - Make your intentions to place yourself in communities where you can spend time with like-minded people, who share your values and goals. Allow yourself to develop new connections that will be a source of growth and healthy identity formation. Don’t go this alone...there are people who are waiting, willing, and wanting to do this with you. It’s nearly impossible to be a change agent if you’re surrounded by people who prize stagnation and the status quo.
Prepare as best you can to be present and authentic for each interaction. Have a safe and enjoyable season of celebrations and connections, while keeping your boundaries, self-care, and sanity intact.
