February
How’s your love tank?
You love each other, right? So why does it feel like you’re not on the same page? The most common issue in any relationship is the communication barrier. Everyone experiences love differently, and it’s easy to miss the mark when it comes to showing that you care. With a little help from the 5 Love Languages, you can learn to identify the root of your conflicts, give and receive love in more meaningful ways, and grow closer than ever. Your Love Language profile will explain your primary love language, what it means, and how you can use it to connect to others.
What if you already know your love language? As I was listening to Ep.7 of the @tbl4seven podcast [‘F.Y.L.L.’], I heard Derek and Kisha share a very important fact. Our love language can change as we grow, evolve, and have varied life experiences. Using this theory as part of your roadmap doesn’t guarantee happiness. But it’s a useful tool in understanding what you need to fill your emotional love tank and how to give your partner [or future partner] the same.
Couples. Singles. Feel free to take the quiz here.
Alone, but not lonely
During this month of love, it’s not uncommon for some to respond negatively about love and relationships, while counting down the seconds to the moment all of the Valentine’s Day festivities are over. In fact, it’s a normal reaction to want to avoid thinking about love lost, absence of love that one desires, and feelings of loneliness that are especially amplified during this time.
The other day, I read an article about how telling someone who’s feeling lonely to, “Figure out ways to enjoy their own company,” is probably not the most comforting solution. But what helps? It helps to first acknowledge the feeling, and the fact that you’re human for feeling it. After labeling what’s going on, you are able to focus on coping by shifting your perspective.
Although it’s not good to feel lonely for long periods of time, there are benefits to being alone. We get to be introspective. We get to learn more about what we like, what we enjoy, our strengths and weaknesses. For those times when loneliness is your label, the following might help:
Keeping a regular schedule
Journaling
Reading
Staying active
Trying not to spend too much time watching tv or self-medicating
Engaging in a meaningful activity
Connecting with others
Connecting with others who share a similar situation
Practicing self-care
Practicing self-compassion, giving yourself the opportunity to ‘feel’.
Making a bucket list for when outside opens up again
It may not be comfortable at first, but baby steps of doing things alone that you enjoy, without the distraction of technology, could be a healthy way to ease into positive spaces of solitude. Covid made isolation a common thread, shared by many. You are not alone, and this feeling isn’t forever.
Could this be love?
On a basic level, we ALL want and deserve to belong and be LOVED. This month, more than others, we're reminded of LOVE. And if it's a sensitive topic for you, it's more difficult, because it's constantly in your face. But if the trade off for being 'LOVED' is causing a significant decrease in your PEACE of mind and daily functioning, then it' s time to ask yourself:
What is my definition of love?
Who taught me about love?
If I woke up tomorrow and got the chance to 'live my definition of love ', what would that look like?
Am I settling for less than I deserve? If yes, why?
How can I give myself permission to enjoy a healthy loving relationship?
Love is a VERB...that requires the same energy from both parties. You’re worth that.
Reel or Real?
We spend so much time being voyeurs on social media. The stories that we construct are based on 15-60 seconds of what people carefully curate for us. Our tendency to compare often takes us down a rabbit hole of doom scrolling. But have you ever thought that people could be admiring your life the same way you’re admiring the lives of others? And I use the word ‘admiring’ loosely.
When ‘admiration’ becomes obsession, fixation, and a trigger for disparaging feelings about yourself, it’s time to reconsider who you’re following, why you’re following them, and what needs fulfillment in your real life. The emotions elicited by the highlight reel can be really real. But often what you see is not ‘real life’ of the person presenting it.
Key to maintaining perspective is remembering that people usually share their ups, but not necessarily the downs that we all experience. Just because you see it, doesn't mean it is. Be mindful of the feelings you have following social media use. Understand the effect that they have on how you view yourself. And practice presenting realistic images of yourself. This helps to normalize a shift toward a culture of substance and authenticity. Here’s to doing more things, ‘not for the gram’!
