NO-vember
“For some, saying ‘yes’ is a habit.” ~ Dr. Newman
But it’s hard
Even though it’s just a word (or a sentence as we’re reminded), we struggle to say “NO" because we’re afraid of rejection, confrontation, conflict, disappointing, hurting feelings, being rude, making someone angry, that we won’t be perceived as nice and agreeable, but labeled difficult, contrary, or unkind. The list of reasons could continue for miles.
So, the first step in embracing this practice of “NO” is acceptance and understanding. Accepting that it can and will be a hard thing helps to validate and support our feelings around it. Understanding the impact and side effects of being a ‘yes person’ aids us in putting this practice into action.
As social creatures, many of us are wired to serve, help, and support. But when we consistently observe ourselves putting the emotional need to please others (at our own expense) on auto-pilot, it’s time to recognize there’s a problem. People-pleasing has a tendency to keep us in an automatic loop that begins with lying to ourselves about our motivation for doing something we don’t want to do, followed by the need for approval, and ends with frustration from our unmet needs.
The second step is flipping back the rolodex to remember where you learned this habit. Who reinforced for you that saying ‘yes’ was synonymous with being a good person? Was it home, work, school? Where did your relationship with ‘no aversion’ start? What are the experiences that shaped your fear of self-advocacy?
The third step is unlearning this soul-sucking behavior. Society plays a huge role in making it hard for you. We typically do, say, and behave within whatever parameters the status quo dictates. But ironically, so much of what ails us comes from not being able to say or accept a “NO”. So, you have to be #intentional about adopting this small unit of language if your goal is to set and honor your personal boundary. Let’s talk more about how…
“A 2012 study published in the Journal of Consumer Research found that saying “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” allowed participants to gracefully exit unwanted commitments. Why? Because “I don’t” is much more powerful than “I can’t” … it also shuts down toxic people faster. “I don’t” establishes a clear boundary, making you sound much more confident and clear in your intentions. On the other hand, people who say “I can’t” seem like they’re giving an excuse and might have some wiggle room to give.” (Vanessa Van Edwards)
Practice makes perf…peace.
Last weekend I was standing in line to vote. As a former campaign canvasser/volunteer, I know what being on the other side of that door/literature is like. So, I’m always appreciative of the efforts of people in that role. But at this time in life, I’m not really interested in any flyers - from the club to political kind.
However, when asked if I’d like the flyer for the democratic party, I accepted. But I responded with, “No thank you,” when approached by the woman with the republican party flyer. As her hand was outstretched, I could’ve accepted, the same way I observed others doing reluctantly. But I didn’t want to. And her reaction was not my responsibility.
Because I’m human, I noted the behavior, feeling, and energy...but because I’m trying to make my voice and needs and reality in a world where they're easily muted, I proceeded in my truth. It wasn’t as ‘comfortable’, but our goal these days is to sit in and learn from the ‘discomfort’, right??! And if it’s not causing harm, then we learn to lead from a difficult place and grow.
I could list 100 ways for you to say “NO” here, but those are all ‘GOOGLEABLE’. So, here’s some food for thought:
Who are the people, things, and ways you need to say “NO” in this season?
We deny a little piece of ourselves every time we say yes out of obligation/expectation...and the receiver also misses out on what we can fully bring to the table. They deserve your truth and so do you.
What have you said “YES” to in the last 3 months that you really wanted to say “NO” to? How did it make you feel? In hindsight, how would your response be different?
”2022 is in 2 months. Don’t let anyone waste your time. Go ghost and focus on yourself.” ~unknown
Go Ghost
If we aren’t intentional about reclaiming our time, truths, and selves...we will automatically and unconsciously lean into behaviors that haven’t served us well in the past. In order to move with purpose in deciding what we’ll commit to, here are three actions to try:
The Rules: Come up with 3-5 rules for NO-vember. This list will include activities you look forward to engaging in, and specific reminders around the ones that you do not.
The Blocks: It takes 15-21 minutes to re-focus once we’ve been distracted. Distractions are the manifestation of us allowing others to shift our focus. If you have tasks to complete, and you want to get them checked off without having to attend to the needs of others, block off time without making excuses or explaining. Put your phone on airplane mode, go into a room with a door that locks, get somewhere quiet and lock in. You’ll be less frustrated, more fulfilled, and have a fuller cup from which to pour once you’ve mastered this art.
The Appointments: What parts about yourself do you miss? Where did they go? When is the last time you’ve seen them? Who are you? What do you even like? If you’ve been MIA from yourself, it’s time to reconnect with those missing parts. Make an appointment or two with you, for you. Don’t stand yourself up. This is the quality time you need to remember who you are.
There are times when we realistically don’t have the choice of a “NO” and because of obligation/ true responsibility must say “YES”. So, adaptability/flexibility is a shift we have to make for survival from time to time.
But If you have the ability, and still find yourself having a hard time giving yourself permission to choose YOU, or need help strategizing and staying accountable, please don’t hesitate to reach out to a friend or professional to support you in the process.
Here’s to not finding ourselves in this same position on January 1st. It’s #intentional.
